The US House of Representatives Sucks at Poker

HR 4411 to ban internet gambling was voted on this afternoon. This big, steaming, pile of horse poop will probably go nowhere because it's unrealistic and frought with contradictions, but it's still a bit chilling from a privacy and freedom point of view.

From the New York Times:

Voting 317 to 93, the House approved a bill that would make it illegal for financial institutions or intermediaries to process payments to offshore casinos through bettors’ electronic funds, checks, debits and other e-wallet transactions. In addition, the bill updates the Wire Act of 1961, which forbade the transmission of betting over telephone lines, to specifically outlaw online gambling through any communication network. Criminal penalties would increase to a maximum of five years in prison, from two years.

It might be easier to round up and deport 11 million illegal immigrants than to arrest, charge, convict, and jail a single American citizen for playing poker online.

Its chances in the Senate for passage this year are unclear, given the Senate’s crowded work schedule and limited amount of time in session before the November elections.
...
The House bill spares Powerball and some other games, for example, and preserves states’ rights to regulate gambling individually.

One of the arguments in favor of poker is that it is a game of skill. If you play optimally, you can come out ahead in the long-run. The lottery, on the other hand, is a tax at people who are BAD AT MATH. If I read the article correctly, they want to give an exemption to online lottery (Jack Abramoff's legacy).

So if someone is bad enough at math they will play the lottery online regularly and lose their money. They will also lose at online poker, but it would be illegal because the government isn't smart enough to figure out how to collect the vig.

Others considered the legislation an infringement on individual rights to privacy through mouse-clicking at home. Representative Barney Frank, Democrat of Massachusetts, contended that the measure was a form of Prohibition. As long as individuals were not harming anyone else, Mr. Frank argued, they should be free to spend their money as they choose.

Freedom, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Las Vegas Gaming Commission Sucks at (Topless) Poker

Well it seemed like a good idea...

Nevada Gaming Commission Says No to Free Topless Poker

Sin Gentlemen’s Club Won’t Be Able to Continue Free League

by Bob Pajich

The Nevada Gaming Commission told Sin Gentlemen’s Club that it can’t go forward with its plans to hold its Tuesday night Topless Poker League, which was to begin this week.

The tournaments were to be free. Prizes were to be donated from various vendors.

Dancers were suppose to act as dealers. The plan was for them to remove a piece of clothing with every blind level changed. The Topless Poker League was to take place all year.

Players were to remain clothed at all times.

Omaha Johnny Omaha will be crushed.

Sweet Mother of Festivus!

I was hoping to share one more tacky poker gift for the holidays, and I'll be damned if I didn't hit the jackpot with this little tchotchke.

POKER PLAYING CHIMPS
Chimps bluff each other out of chips in this charming ode to fools and their money.
Alabastrite. 9 3/4" x 5 1/4" x 6 1/2" high. $24.95

Target Sucks at Poker

When shopping for the special lady in your life, be sure to stay away from this item at Target.

The cards don’t discriminate. A gal has just as good a chance at getting a straight flush or a full house as a guy does. This classic set celebrates the fact that Poker’s boom in popularity isn’t being fueled solely by men. Made especially for women this sleek colorful case comes packed with 200 8-gram poker chips, deck of cards and 5 dice. Includes instructions for Texas Hold ’Em and a poker ranging sheet. Ladies, the next jackpot is all yours.

• Especially made for women
• 200 2-color 8-gram chips
• Pink felt liner with mirror and removable chip tray
• 1 deck of cards, 5 dice and a dealer chip
• How to Play Texas Hold ’Em instructions and poker ranging sheet

Readers, we don't make this crap up. Worst. Copy. Ever.

Mike's wife sucks at poker

I've told my friends and my bride that someday I would like to invest in a custom set of poker chips. It's an expensive endeavor and not one that should be entered into without serious forethought.

So here's an unhappy development for a guy named "Mike". I found his custom chips for sale on Ebay.

"Your looking at a pretty new set of chips here. I only used them once. These are going to be hard for me to sell because they say Mikes casino on them, so I'm hoping someone out there wants these. I'm only selling because the wife won't let me have any more games :( .

To the facts:

I bought these chips from www.homepokerchips.com for about $670.00 with shipping. 98cents a chip and 150 bucks for artwork."

"Artwork" being a relative term:


With 4 hours left on the auction, Mike's chips have a high bid of $206.50. Poor schmuck. He's gonna take at least a $500.00 hit on these. (Update - final price $255.00)

Note to self: make sure bride is completely on board with all aspects of custom poker chip purchase.

Card covers that suck

Does anyone really need a card cover that looks like this?

I used to think he sucks, but not anymore.

If you've caught any of the 7 card stud from the 2004 WSOP coverage on ESPN, then you probably remember this guy



Marcel "The Flying Dutchman" Luske, who it turns out, is much cooler than I thought he was. Warning: have a hanky ready.